Love is Twisted

Sometimes I thinkof all the places I want to go and all the things I want to do, From going to run errands all the way to traveling the world, and I never see myself doing those things with you. Not because I wouldn’t love to, but because I know that you would never do any of these things with me.

You won’t read the books I love because you think you will hate them. You hate going to the movies. You don’t like to camp. You don’t like animals. You won’t go to church with me. Sometimes I talk to you about things, only to realize that you didn’t hear a word because you were watching TV or texting someone. Its exhasting trying to get you to even notice I’m in the room sometimes.

Its a wonder that I even have passion for anything at all anymore. Everything seems so pointless to me sometimes, because what is the point of learning and growing and experiencing things if you aren’t doing it with me? Isn’t that why you marry someone? To share a life together? We aren’t even a couple anymore, just a couple of people that live here in the same house.

I’m not an easy person to understand anymore. I used to be, but after all these years Im just not. It seems like the more I know who I am and what I want, the less you understand anything about me. When I was younger I would have just told you, but after years of putting things on the table only to be rejected or shut down or made fun of I just can’t do it anymore. Its not safe. They say that the years will make your skin thicker, but I’ve found that the more that time passes, the more I love you, and that you rejection and ridicule is harder and harder to take. It almost breaks me sometimes. In the quiet hours of most nights I let it get to me.

Time has made me weak. I am constantly doubting myself. Always asking…..am I wrong? Is it stupid to think this way? Am I a bad Mother? Is this all my fault? Am I doing everything wrong? If I was thinner or prettier would things be different? Am I really as unintelligent as I feel? It goes on and on.

I clean everything, I cook everything, I organize our home and our lives. I make sure the bills are taken care of and that the kids have everything they need. You just live here, kick down 600 bucks a month and then think its ok to kick back while everything happens around you. You work, right? You have a job and give me money right? So aren’t you entitled to be left alone when you aren’t working? Why on Earth would anyone ask for your time or attention after you’ve done so much for this family? How dare I bother you with my nonsense after recieving you half of the rent?! What kind of wife am I? I should just shut up and go do some laundry.

The point here is that I am almost 35 years old now. I have more memories than dreams now, but I do still have a few. I feel like Im looking through the rear window of a car waving goodbye to them. Time is always shorter than you think. These wasted hours are passing us by and we will never get them back. You are missing it. You are hurting me. You are pushing me away in ways you can’t even understand.

Sadly, You think Tumblr is dumb, so You will never even read this.